Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.