toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
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*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Every haunted house movie:
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.