Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
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If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂