My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
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[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.