[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
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Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.