[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
You Might Also Like
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
you gotta be faster
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
#polloftheday
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.