Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
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According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
my proudest tweet
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.