Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
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Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I’m putting together a team
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.