Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
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Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Oceanography is all about current events
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?