Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
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So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”