Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

You Might Also Like


*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin


Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.


Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*


I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.


Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.



{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.


*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us



Security: ALRIGHT


All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk