Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
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Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
i baked you a cake
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Personal question. #JustSaying
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
why would tinder want me to say this