[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
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If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Eat…
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.