Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.