Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
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[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”