Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
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No-one: I can hear screaming
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.