Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
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me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”