[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
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I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.