Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
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[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.