Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
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Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
damn he’s good
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
All. The. Damn. Time.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.