Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

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I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.


“My name is–”
“My name is–”
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.


Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.


Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.


Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat


Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon


Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie: There are 4 rules