Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
You Might Also Like
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake