Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
You Might Also Like
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
It was worth a shot 😂
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Stop being racist to kettles.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.