Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
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Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
dude it’s called proctologist
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard