Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
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What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
cat vs inanimate object
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
😂😂
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.