@Mitchoacan

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

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@Inferno_V

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

@JerseyRambo

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

@peterjames48

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

@garrydavenport

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

@2tickytacky

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

@Bizarro_Mark

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

@TheAlexNevil

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

@_radsy

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

@WheelTod

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”