told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
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i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Covid like
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
so, is there a mister shapen head
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Had a spot of bother earlier.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand