Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
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*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Double negatives are never not confusing.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
They’re stuck in your pants?