Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
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December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
*Inspirational Tweets*
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
What personal space?
My dog
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I love you…
…r dog.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan