Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
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Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.