Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.