Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
“What a tangled web we weave”
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
How I handle confrontation:
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.