Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
March 16
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
…..pretty much.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive