told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
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all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come