Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
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My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.