Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
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A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?