Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
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*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Ovenable?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Me in tagged photos
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.