Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
You Might Also Like
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Well, that didn’t work.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice