Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

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She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.


Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.


Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure


Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.


A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away


Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.


Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you


When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.


Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.


Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.