@LoveNLunchmeat

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

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@Marcmywords2

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

@coalslag

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

@ArfMeasures

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

@diemadcraig

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

@SouthernStylin1

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

@thepaulasuzanne

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

@jimmytorosian

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

@AngieDavisHaha

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

@Laser_Cat

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

@BrendanMcKeigan

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.