Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
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[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
“OMGJK” -atheists
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.