@mxmclain

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

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@OmniscientOf

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

@SamGrittner

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

@Ideal_Victoria

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

@XplodingUnicorn

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

@TheFaldor

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

@thatcarlygirl

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

@QwertyJones3

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

@UncleDuke1969

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.