@OmniscientOf My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
@mxmclain Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
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@OmniscientOf 
@SamGrittner Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
@Ideal_Victoria If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
@MichaelJErhart Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
@XplodingUnicorn The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
@TheFaldor Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
@thatcarlygirl What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
@QwertyJones3 How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
@imjasongoldberg me trying to get a bartender’s attention
@UncleDuke1969 [restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.