Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
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4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer