Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

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My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.


Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.


If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.


The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.


Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.


What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog


How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?


WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.