Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
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“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.