Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
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My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.