Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
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CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it