Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
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[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.