told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
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barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
You better watch out
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
My work here is don’t.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.