Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
The pasta is now