Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
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Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words