told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
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A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him