Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
You Might Also Like
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
had to make it
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’