Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
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Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Hmm, not sure about this change
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.