Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
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You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Still my favourite meme.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.