told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
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16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
c’mon!
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I thought this was funny lol
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.