told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
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[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
technically true but not a great slogan
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.