Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
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BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this