Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
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I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
#TopTip
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Has science gone too far?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.